1991 March/April issue Part 2

Women: The Road Ahead

That was the theme of Time's special issue last fall. There were pictures of women with babies in prison, an inconsolable “crack” baby with a tangle of tubes connected to machines, crying his little heart out, a mother charged with a felony: delivery of drugs to her newborn child, women in politics “sharing real rather than cosmetic power,” a veiled Muslim woman, ten tough-minded women who “create individual rules for success,” e.g. a police chief, a bishop, a rock climber, a baseball club owner, a rap artist, a fashion tycoon, an Indian chief and others (not much femininity showed in their pictures). There were single mothers, lesbian mothers, divorced mothers, working (outside the home) mothers. There was a twelve-year-old who fixes supper for her sisters when Mom works late and there was a man who is a house husband. But there was not one picture of a father and mother and their children. Not one.

1991 January/February issue Part 1

The childless man or woman      

  
Children, God tells us, are a heritage from the Him. Is the man or woman to whom He gives no children therefore disinherited? Surely not. the Lord gave portions of land to each tribe of Israel except one. “The tribe of Levi... received no holding; the Lord God of Israel is their portion, as He promised them” (Joshua 3:14, REB). Withholding what He granted to the rest, He gave to Levi a higher privilege. May we not see childlessness in the same light? I believe there is a special gift for those to whom God does not give the gift of physical fatherhood or motherhood.

1990 September/October issue Part 1

Training a child to self-control

Shall I brace myself for the inevitable charge of ancestor-worship which is bound to come? This is not the first I’ve quoted my forebears, and probably won’t be the last, but it’s worth the risk of a taunt or two! Henry Clay Trumbull, a chaplain in the Civil War, was my great-grandfather, and only recently I found that his book, Hints on Child Training, has been brought back into print. His reason for writing it was His friend’s having asked for his theory of child training. “Theory?” he responded, “I have no theory in that matter. I had lots of theories before I had any children [he had eight] but now I do, with fear and trembling, in every case just that which seems to be the better thing for the hour, whether it agrees with any of my old theories or not.”
   A book written one hundred years ago which a publisher now deems worthy of reprint must be good. The publisher is Wolgemuth and Hyatt, Brentwood TN; price $8.95. Here’s an excerpt from chapter 10:

1990 July/August issue Part 1

Taking Care of my Little Sister

(Reprinted by permission by The Home Sweet Home Newspaper of the Shepherd Family, Vol. I, No.1. The writer is my granddaughter, Christiana, age eight.)

Last night my mother and father were gone and i had to put Evangeline* down for bed. My mom had put on her diapers and i had to put on her pajamas. This is how it started. I put Evangeline on Colleens bed and I said, ‘Evangeline, stay here!’ and of course she went off the bed, crawled down the stairs, and of course I went after her and said, ‘Evangeline, come here!’ Finally I got her and put her on the kitchen table and put her pajamas on and she saw her bottle on the kitchen counter and I gave it to her and took her back upstairs. Then I prayed with her and wound up the ‘Hark, the Herald Angels Sing’ music box and said good night. Whew!”

*(aged sixteen months when this was written).

1990 January/February issue Part 2

Little Things

When we were growing up our parents taught us, by both word and example, to pay attention to little things. If you do a thing at all, do it thoroughly- make the sheets really smooth on the bed, sweep all the corners and move all the chairs when you sweep the kitchen, roll the toothpaste tube neatly and put the cap back on, clean the hair out of your brush each time you use it, hang your towel straight on the rod, fold your napkin and put it into the silver ring before you leave the table, never wet your finger when you turn pages. They kept promises to us as faithfully as those they made to adults. They taught us to do the same. You didn’t accept an invitation to a party and then not turn up, or agree to help with the vacation Bible school and back out because a more interesting activity presented itself. The only financial debt my parents ever incurred was a mortgage on a house, which my father explained was in a special case because it was real estate which would always have value. 

1990 January/February issue Part 1

Homeschooling

A reader asks me, as grandmother and outside observer of homeschooled children, to answer her questions. Is any school out of the question for Christians?

1989 September/October issue Part 1

The Effectual Fervent Prayer of a Mother

"Thou sentest Thine hand from above, and drewest my soul out of that profound darkness- my mother, that faithful one, weeping to Thee for me, more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children. For she, by that faith and spirit which she had from Thee, discerned the death wherein i lay, and Thou heardest her, O Lord; Thou heardest her, and despisedst not her tears, when streaming down, they watered the ground under her eyes [he alludes here to that devout manner of the Eastern ancients, who used to lie flat on their faces in prayer] in every place where she prayed; yea Thou heardest her... Thine ears were towards her heart. O Thou God omnipotent, who so caredst for every one of us, as if Thou carest for him only; and so for all, as if they were but one!"

(Confessions of St.Augustine)

1989 May/June issue Part 2

Humdudgeons or contentment

The word humdudgeon is a new word to me and I like the sound of it. It means “a loud complaint without a trifle.” Heard any of those lately around your house? One mother thought of an excellent antidote; all humdudgeons must be presented not orally but in writing, “of two hundred words or more.” There was a sudden marked reduction in whining and complaining.

   Parents, by example, teach their children to whine. No wonder it is so difficult to teach them not to! Listen to conversations in the elevator, at the hairdresser’s, at the next table in the restaurant. Everybody’s whining about everything- weather, health, the president, the IRS, the insurance mess, traffic, kids.

1989 March/April issue Part 3

There Are No Accidents

   My friend Judy Squire of Portola Valley, California, is one of the most cheerful and radiant woman I know. I met her first in prayer meeting at the beginning of a conference. She was sitting in a wheel chair and I noticed something funny about her legs. Later that day I saw her with no legs at all. In the evening she was walking around with crutches. Of course I had to ask her some questions. She was born with no legs, she had artificial ones which she used sometimes, but they were tiresome, she said (laughing) and she often left them behind. When I heard of a little baby boy named Brandon Scott, born without arms or legs, I asked if she would write to his parents, she did;

   “The first thing I would say is that all that this entails is at least one hundred times harder on the parents than the child. A birth defect by God’s grace does not rob childhood from its wonder, nor is a child burdened by high expectations. Given a supportive, creative, and loving family, I know that I enjoyed not a less-than-average life nor an average life, but as I’ve told many, my life has not been ordinary but extraordinary.

   “I am convinced without a doubt that a loving Heavenly Father oversees the creative miracles in the inner sanctum of each mother’s womb (Psalm 139), and that in His sovereignty there are no accidents.

   “’What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.’ As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God’s tapestry of our lives. What we judge to be ‘tragic- the most dreaded thing that could happen,’ I expect we’ll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family. I think that’s why James 1:2 is a favourite verse of mine. Phillips translation put it this way: ‘When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders but welcome them as friends. ‘

1989 March/April issue Part 2

Too Many Children?

When I learned that my daughter Valerie was expecting number five, my insides tied themselves in knots.
  Val and Walt were both very peaceful about it, willing to receive this child as they had the others- as a gift from the Lord, remembering His words, “Whoever receives this child in my name receives me” (Luke 9:48). But my imagination ran to the future and its seeming impossibilities- “Poor dear Val. she has her hands more than full. What will she do with five?” Before she was married Valerie had told me she had hoped the Lord would give her six. I had smiled to myself, thinking she would probably ably revise that number after the first three or four. Practical considerations rose like thunderclouds in my mind. Money. Another room to be built into the house. Homeschooling (Valerie was teaching two already). How would the new child receive the attention he needed? Etc., etc.
  Then I began to look at the advantages. I was one of six children myself, and loved growing up in a big family. Children learn early what it means to help and to share, to take responsibility and to make sacrifices, to give place to others, to cooperate and deny themselves. Why all this turmoil in my soul? Well because I love my child! She was tired! Her hands were full! Maybe later, maybe when the others were old enough to help more, maybe... O Lord!
  I tried to talk to God about it. Breakfast time came, we ate, washed dishes, school began in the children’s schoolroom, and I went to my room, my heart churning. What does one do?
I write this because troubled young women have come to me not understanding their mothers’ reactions to the news of another baby. Was it resentment? Did they not love the grandchildren they had? Why would they not want more? Was it nothing but a meddlesome yen to run their children’s lives? Was it a revelation of a worst attitude- an unwillingness to let God be God?

1989 January/February issue Part 6

When Your Children Grow Up

  In response to my question as to what readers would like, one asked “how to look at one’s purpose in life when your children are grown up and gone.”
  If ones supreme ai min life is to glorify God by doing what He wants, I would suggest a careful study of the characteristics of Godly women in the New Testament as set forth in 1 Timothy 5:5-10 and Titus 2:3-5. Nancy Krumreich of Anderson, Indiana, makes a practical suggestion that fits Paul’s advice; “You might write about what you think older women ought to be doing in our world (besides going to retreats!). it seems to me that there is a gaping need for women in this category to do things other than seek careers, things which teach us younger women how to love our husbands and children. And things which we younger ones should not be doing, like being Crisis Pregnancy Center directors, picketers of abortion clinics, spending hours of time volunteering which needs to be spent with our children and/or husbands. Perhaps even things like helping us younger ones with our heavy loads and giving practical guidance and encouragement... Are there churches out there bold enough to teach that older women have this responsibility? It seems to me that the attitude is strong both in church and out of it that once the youngest child is in school, women are freed up to pursue whatever they wish.
  “I’m a young woman in search of a mother-figure, mine having dies three years ago when my middle daughter was newborn.”
  I’m sure Nancy is all for the CPC’s, the protests against abortion, and volunteer work- for those who can be free to participate without neglecting the first God-given duties. But if the young women can’t do those jobs, and older women choose to pursue something called fulfilment, who is available?
  Are there some out there with ears to hear this plea?

1989 January/February issue Part 4

A Child Learns Self-Denial - Part 2

Does this training seem hard on the child, impossible for the mother? I don’t think it is. The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quietness comprehensible to their children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness: self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace, and there can be no peace where there is no self-denial.

  Christian parents are seeking to fit their children for their inheritance in Christ. A sense of the presence of God in the home is instilled by the simple way He is spoken of, by prayer not only at meals but in family devotions and perhaps as each child is tucked into bed. The Bible has a prominent place, and it is a greatly blessed child who grows up, as I did, in a hymn-singing family. Sam and Judy Palpant of Spokane have such a home. “Each of our children had his or her own lullaby which I sing before prayer time and the final tucking into bed,” Judy wrote. “That lullaby is a special part of our bedtime ritual. Whenever we have other children spend the night we sing ‘Jesus loves me’ as their lullaby. What a joy it was on the most recent overnighter to have the three Edminster children announce, ‘We have our own lullabies now!’ Mat, who is twelve and who can be swayed by the world said, ‘Mine is “Jesus Keep Me Near the Cross.”’

  The task of parents is to show by love and by the way they live that they belong to another Kingdom and another Master, and thus to turn their children’s thoughts toward that Kingdom and that Master. The “raw material” with which they begin is thoroughly selfish. They must gently lay the yoke of respect and consideration for others on those little children, for it is their earnest desire to make of them good and faithful servants and, as Janet Erskine Stuart expressed it, “to give saints to God.”

1989 January/February issue Part 3

A Child Learns Self-Denial - Part 1

One of the countless blessings of my life is having a daughter who actually asks for my prayers and my advice (and heeds the latter). She phoned from California this morning, describing the difficulties of home-schooling three children in grade six, four, and one, when you also have a four-year-old who is doing nursery school and a two-year-old who, Colleen, who wants to do everything. And on November 19, Evangeline Mary was born, so a nursing baby now claims attention as well. How to give Colleen proper attention and teach her also to occupy herself quietly for what seems to her long periods? Valerie was deeply concerned over whether she was doing all she should for that little one.

I reminded her of the women of the Bible times- while probably not homeschooling her children, an ordinary village women would have been working very hard most of the time, carrying heavy water jars, grinding grain, sweeping, planting, and cooking while tending children. This was true also of the Indians with whom Val grew up. An Indian mother never interrupted her days’ work to sit down with a small child and play or read a story, yet the children were always more or less with her, watching her work, imitating her, learning informally. They had a strong and secure home base, “and so have yours,” I told her. “Don’t worry! You are not doing Colleen an injustice. Quite the contrary. You are giving her wonderful things: a stable home, your presence in that home, a priceless education just in the things she observes.”

1988 May/June issue Part 3

Rent-A-Mom
Kathy Lewis sent me this advertisement that appeared in her local paper in California.

She writes: “The most distressing part of this ‘service’ is the implication that Mom can so easily be replaced, particularly when she ‘just doesn’t want to do it.’ What a shame that so many are missing the true joy of mothering which is daily, unconditional, and self-giving.
  I am so thankful that during the years when my three daughters were small I could not afford frequent childcare. There were no day care centres. I was home every day and in our daily routine there was such security and comfort. Of course there were days when I was exhausted, bored, sick, irritated, or discouraged. But there was no alternative; I did whatever was next on the list of sheer survival instinct. Most days were a happy blur of story books, peanut butter sandwiches cut into triangles and soup (with jelly spread on crackers is they had been extra good), tricycles, and long peaceful naps. (No matter how hectic your day may seem now, the time will come- we promise!- when they’ll appear “a happy blur.” EE)
  The long days of mothering small children now seem to me to have been short and fleeting. As God has promised, faithfulness to this calling has brought rewards beyond my deepest longings. The future is bright for my dear ones as they near the time of becoming mothers too, but there are days when I would give a lot to see those precious little faces and bury my face deep in the neck of a sleepy girl again.”

One of the slick catalogues which pour into my mailbox contained recently a “survival manual” entitled Where’s Mom Now That I Need Her? I lament the need of such a book for the hundreds of thousands of children who must come home from school to an empty house and need help in surviving on their own- with recipes, remedies, first aid, laundry, bike care, and “helpful hints.”
  For you mothers who are there for your children, stick with it, for God’s sake, no matter what pressures are brought to bear upon you. And for you who want to be there and so far have not found a way to do it, ask God to show you if He has one. Trust Him and do whatever He says.

1988 May/June issue Part 2

A Child’s Obedience

Question from a young mother: How can I train my twenty-month-old to come to me? How many times do I say “come here” before I go and grab him?

  The very first time you tell a child to do or not to do something (come here, don’t touch, sit still) (1) make sure you have the child’s attention; (2) look him straight in the eye;  (3)speak in an even, normal tone, address him by name, give the command; (4) give him a few seconds to let the message sink in; (5) speak his name again and ask, “What did I say?” Since training should begin long before talking, he will not be able to verbalize the answer, but he should obey. Children are always way ahead of their parents’ idea of what they can understand. (6) Tell him once more “Mama said Come, Andrew.” If he does not obey, spank him. After the first time or two of practice, spank after you spoke once.

  To make a habit of repeating commands is to train the child you never mean what you say the first time. If the first lesson in obedience is carried out as above, the child learns quickly that you mean exactly what you say. I know it works- my parents taught us this way, and I watched them train my younger sister and brothers. I found that it worked with Valerie.

  If you run after the child and physically force him to do what you say (e.g. grab him when he doesn’t come, take something away when he touches it), you are training him not to pay attention to your words. He knows he can get away with anything until forcibly strained.

  Now about spanking. The book of proverbs speaks of the “rod of discipline,” (Proverbs 22:15) and says, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Prov 29:15). “He who spares the rod hate his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Prov 13:24). My mother used a very thin little switch from a bush in the backyard. We knew there was one in every room, readily available to administer a couple of stings to our legs if we disobeyed. Valerie keeps a thin wooden paint stirrer handy in the house, and also in her purse. One or two firm “paddles” on a small outstretched hand are language that an under-two child understands very clearly.

1988 March/April issue Part 3

The Ultimate Contradiction- Part 2

When we learned recently from dear friends that they had lost their baby, this is what I wrote to them (I’ve been asked to print it here for others who are bereaved);

“Your little note was waiting for us when we returned yesterday from Canada. How our hearts went running to you, weeping with you, wishing we could see your faces and tell you our sympathies. Yet it is ‘no strange thing’ that has happened to you, as Peter said in his epistle (1 Peter 4:12)- it gives you a share in Christ’s suffering. To me this is one of the deepest but most comforting of all the mysteries of suffering. Not only does He enter into grief in the fullest understanding, suffer with us and for us, but in the very depths of sorrow he allows us, in His mercy, to enter into His, give us a share, permits us the high privilege of ‘filling up’ that which is lacking (Colossians 1:24) in His won. He makes, in other words, something redemptive out of our broken hearts if those hearts are offered up to Him. We are told that He will never despise a broken heart. It is an acceptable sacrifice when offered wholly to Him for His transfiguration. Oh, there is so much for us to learn here, but it will not be learned in a day or week. Level after level must be plumbed as we walk with the Shepherd, and He will do His purifying, purging, forging, shaping work in us, that we may be shaped to the image of Christ Himself. Such shaping takes a hammer, a chisel, and a file- painful tools, a painful process.

Your dear tiny Laura is in the Shepherd’s arms. She will never have to suffer. She knew only the heaven of the womb (the safest place in all the world- apart from the practice of abortion) and now she knows the perfect heaven of God’s presence. I’m sure that your prayer for both your children has been that God would fulfil His purpose in them. It is the highest and best we can ask for our beloved children. He has already answered that prayer for Laura.

1987 September/October issue Part 2

What to Do When Your Children Grow Up

Thoughts from my mother's little red Quiet Time notebook: "Job 1:5-'When a round of feasts was finished, job sent for his children and sanctified them, rising early in the morning and sacrificing a whole-offering for each of them; for he thought that they might . . . have . . . committed blasphemy in their hearts. This he always did.'

  "When one's children are adults, what is the role of the parent? "They seldom come to us for help or advice. It is wonderful if they do. Then, out of our experience and perhaps the spiritual wisdom God may give us, we may be able to give wise counsel. Seldom, if ever, do they ask advice concerning the training of children. It is a blessing when they ask for prayer for themselves or their children, and this is usually the sole recourse of the grandparent, except for one tremendous duty: we can do as job did. We have the One great Sacrifice to plead-the blood of Jesus Christ! May we be faithful in this duty and privilege for those we love!!"

1987 September/October issue Part 1

The Gospel According to Sloat

Psychologist Donald Sloat, author of The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home, made some breathtaking assertions in an interview for InterVarsity magazine last spring. I scurried to my typewriter to protest to the powers that be, but I can't leave it at that. I met a couple who were badly confused by Sloat's statements, which they had studied earnestly, hoping to find some light for a dark time they are having with a defiant fifteen-year-old.

  God has promised that for the upright (those whose lives are characterized by obedience) light will arise out of darkness. The world, however, is continually coming at us with notions utterly at variance with God's light. We must test every notion by the straightedge of Scripture.

  I think I know what Dr. Sloat meant, and I am terribly aware of the great gulfs fixed between what one believes, what one actually says, and what an interviewer may record (not to mention what the reader or hearer may think was said). I can only take the words of the interview as it appeared.

  Sloat's remarks confuse the nature of the true Christian home with its sad imitations, true Christian faith with a vague and often Pharisaical travesty. He has discarded the baby with the bathwater. This is a serious mistake for one who is taken for a godly counselor. False premises lead to false conclusions in diagnosis and false prescriptions. Note the following:

1987 July/August issue Part 4

Homeschooling

My daughter Valerie Shepard homeschools three of her five children (the other two are pre-school age). Her son Walter, the oldest, attended kindergarten and first grade before the decision was made to homeschool. Some of you have asked what advantages homeschooling offers, so I asked Val what she has discovered. Here is her answer:

1987 May/June issue Part 1

Serious Play, Careless Work

When I was a kid we rushed home every afternoon from school, burst into the house to make sure Mother was there where we wanted her to be (she was), and then collected the kids on the block to play Kick the Can or to build playhouses out of wooden greenhouse boxes. Equipment didn't cost us a cent. Adults didn't have to supervise us or drive us anywhere or coach us. We just played. We were kids, and we knew that after-school time was playtime-until it was time to work (practice the piano, set the table, clear the table, do homework).

  Something has gone badly awry. Educators have gotten terribly serious about play and terribly casual