1990 March/April issue Part 2

Virginity Part 2

But what shall I say to the women who write to me in such sorrow and perplexity? First of all, it is not our job to set about trying to coerce the men. They must answer to God, who made them the initiators. But a woman must answer to God about her acceptance of singleness, seeking to know Him in it and converting it into good by a peaceful YES, LORD! Rather than into real evil by a rebellious NO!
   At lunch today Lars said, “I’ll tell you what would change things fast- if all woman decided they would not ‘give out,’ I mean give men what they’re looking for but are unwilling to make a commitment for.”
   One young woman wrote in desperation, agreeing with what I believe is God’s order, “YEAH! That’s the way is should be!! Unfortunately, that’s not the way it is!”

   God’s order is not changed by men’s (or women’s) disobedience. It stands as He ordained. In the long run we gain nothing and lose much if we take things into our own hands. A woman may “gain” a husband, of course. The more obvious she makes herself, the better her chances seem to be in today’s society. But a man who is attracted to such woman, and a woman who is out to “get” men are not submissive to God’s order, it seems to me. Let’s not follow that pattern. To follow His is to lose nothing, in the long run, and to gain much- “lose your life,” as Jesus puts it, “for my sake, and you’ll find it.” Few seem to believe that enough to stake their all on it.

   Is there a formula which will “work”? I am asked. My parent’s “formula” worker for me: they prayed for spouses for us six; they taught us to pray and trust God. Mother told me, “keep them at arm’s length, don’t chase them.” This will not “work” in the sense of providing a surefire method of snaring a husband (I have never snared any one of the three God has given me- he brought them to me in most astonishing and unlikely ways). But it is in keeping with a Christian woman’s modesty and willingness to have what God wants for her. She is not putting hooks out, but rather doing quietly the work God has given her to do, confident that His promise can be trusted, “No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11). If marriage is a good thing, God will see to it that you receive that gift. Only He knows whether it is good for you. Are you willing to be and have what He wants you to be and have, and nothing else? Will you surrender all your own hopes, dreams and plans to Him?

   “That’s easy for you to say,” some answer. “Look what God has given you.”  Yes, but I did not know that He would ever give me a husband when I gave Him my hopes, dreams and plans. I did not know. I had to surrender to Him, believing that whatever he gave an did not give would be best.

   Friends offer all sorts of advice to single young woman: Don’t be to aggressive or too backward, too friendly or too hard-to-get, too intellectual or too dumb, too earthly or too heavenly. Hang around till the bitter end of the singles barbeque- he might want to take you home. Or, don’t go to the singles barbeque at all. Just stay home and read your Bible and pray. It’s terribly confusing.

   “Is my Father in charge here or am I supposed to take over?” He is in charge if you want Him to be. He will not invade your freedom if you choose to “take over.” But if you want His way, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing else, you’ve got to leave it to Him. It’s easy to be deceived here- telling ourselves we really want His will, but meaning “I want it so long as it includes marriage!”

   “I don’t know how to play the game,” wrote one frustrated girl. Nobody does. It’s chaos, frustration, confusion, and emotional devastation. It was never meant to be a game, so don’t try to play it. Leave it all in the Hands that were wounded for you.

   Another who was trying to take the burden onto her own slim shoulders said it was making her “just plain sick.” I do not wonder at that. She is taking burdens He never meant her to bear. “Come to Me,” He says, “all who are tired and overburdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.” It’s all a question of utter surrender in love for God above all others. “Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good to them that love God,” Romans 8:28 tells us. Loving God means a final and unreserved YES to all of His holy will, and if His holy will is singleness, that too fits the pattern and the pattern is good. Selah.