1983 September/October issue Part 2

Teach your children to choose

Lars and I had breakfast with our friend Barb Tompkins in Tucson. She brought along two-year old Katy, who behaved very well throughout most of the meal. She interrupted at one point, and pestered her mother, who said quietly, “Katy, you are not in charge here. But would you like to be in charge of Baby Flo?” Baby Flo was a tiny doll she had with her.

I plied Barb with questions on how she rears her children (she has two older boys also). She said she had been helped by Paul Meier’s book Happiness is a choice, and had determined to teach her children how to make good choices.

When Katy was about eighteen months old, Barb decided to teach her to stay within the boundaries of their own property, although there was no fence. She set aside a day for this lesson and walked the boundary with the baby, pointing out where she could and could not go, explaining that to step over the line meant a spanking. Barb then sat down in a lawn chair with a book and told Katy she could play. It was not long, of course, before Katy tested the line, then stepped over. In a normal tone of voice Barb called, “Katy, would you come here, please?” That lesson had been learnt long before, so Katy came. “Katy, honey, I see you have chosen a spanking,” said the mother, and proceeded to give her one. Then she went over the lesson again, explaining why the spanking had been necessary. It was Katy’s choice.

Barb teaches her children such maxims as “People are not for hitting, they’re for loving.” And “when people say they can’t it usually means they won’t.”

It’s important, she says, not to label a child naughty or good, but to point out exactly what he did that was naughty, or what he did that was good. When correction is necessary, Barbra tries always to affirm the child in some way afterwards- “I like the way you picked up your toys this morning.”

Barb does not always use spanking for punishment. Sometimes she gives the child “time out”, which means she is put into a Port-a-crib for a little while in order to meditate on her disobedience. If the child climbs out she has “chosen” a spanking. Barb thinks that it is very important that the “time out” place not be the child’s own bed or bedroom. She doesn’t want her child to associate those places with punishment.

Katy whined for something, and Barb turned to her and said “Katy, you need to make a request.” Katy said, “May I please…”

When Katy pulled a pen out of her mother’s purse, Barb said, “That is not a choice. But these things are- which would you like to play with?”

I wrote all this in a letter to my daughter Valerie. She was thrilled. She has started using the method on her three little ones, and says it works and that I should put it in my newsletter. So here you have it.